Parenting Divorced Children

Imagine yourself as a character in one of the Hollywood movies where the children are accidentally shrunk by the scientist dad. You are fully aware of everything going on in the home but no one sees you nor hears anything you have to say. You are so small they can't hear you shouting at the top of your lungs trying to get their attention. Now picture a child in the mist of a divorce, that is the same frustration the child experiences with the marriage dissolution process. The divorcing parents are attempting to do the best possible thing for the children but they mistakenly ignore their children's right to have input regarding future living arrangements.

A large percentage of children recover from the negative affects of divorce. For some children, the affects of divorce have life time residual affects. Over 15 million children in the Untied States are caught up in divorce preceding. The children are involuntarily placed in situations they never imagined would happen to them.They never imagined being in the middle of a joint custody battle. The core family values they once had regarding the family sticking together, no matter what is shattered. A divorce decree split the family.

Mom and dad decided they no longer want to live in the same house. The children are given a certain amount of time with each parent. This is called custody of the child. That does not work. The two parents the child loves no longer want to be around each other. There are no longer the family gatherings the child became accustomed to. The child sees and negative things said and done to and by each parent. Whats the child to do? Does the child take sides with one of the parents? Does the child withdraw from the situation and create an imaginary world that seems safer?

The children of divorced families become candidates for high risk behavior. The confusion created in their lives opens up the potential for feelings of alienation, feelings of anger, and they become distrustful towards adults. They are high candidates for dysfunctional adult behavior. As adults they may have problems committing to intimate relationships. Divorce creates the potential for maladjusted adult behavior that surfaces when the grown child tries to live the life they believe they wish to live.

Often parents of divorced children feel a considerable amount of guilt for the dissolution of the family. Some parents try to fix things by over compensating the child for the divorce. They may try to buy the child things they would not normally consider purchasing had there not been a divorce. Buying the child's love is the label professionals would place on this type behavior. Some parents express their discontent with the other parent in the presence of the child. The message is don't love the other parent. Look at what the individual did to our family. The child receives the message, its not acceptable to love the other parent. The child feels guilt if there is still love felt towards the other parent. Some children become little adults at a young age.They help around the house with responsibilities such as getting work to help make ends meet. They lose their friends because they no longer have time to hang out with friends. They become their single parent's buddy or best friend. The child is given the responsibility of making the parent feel better. Being there when the parent wants to talk.

The emotional affects of divorce is worse than the death of a parent. The child tends to convince himself they are the reason for the family dissolution. The child is burdened with unearned guilt. Hearing parents argue over things, especially over the welfare of child places a tremendous amount of guilt and pressure on the child. The child may blame him/herself for the family problem by thinking if they had done a particular thing, then maybe the parents would have remained together. The self inflicted guilt makes the child try to fix everything and make it right for everyone. The child tries to be the life of the family in an effort to smooth things over. The psychological affects of the guilt overwhelms the child. When the child's efforts do not work, they child may revert to acting out. That is doing things that bring attention to force the parents to communicate with each other. In the long run the child's efforts are futile.

Much of the guilt and exclusion felt by a divorced child may be avoided. Well intentioned parents forget to ask the child how he/she feels about the situation. They fail to allow the child to be included in the child's future living, vacation and special events schedules. When the other parent will see the child and for how long the visits will last. Sensitive parents may want to consider including the child in these arrangements. They may include the child and still abide by the conditions of the divorce decree. The key is communicate with the child.

Before the actual divorce proceedings and before the parents separate, tell the child what is about to happen. Assure the child nothing that will be happening is his or her fault. If the other parent is available to be part of the informational talk with the child, include the other parent. That gives the child a chance to voice opinions and clears up youthful confusion. Reassure the child that the parents' decision to separate and divorce is not due to anything the child did. The decision was an adult decision to do the best thing between the two adults.

Reassure the child the other parent will be available on scheduled visits and if needed in between visits. Most important allow the child to voice opinions throughout the conversation. Chastising is not appropriate during the conversation. The child is taking in a lot of information that is contrary to everything familiar. The first reaction of the child could easily be anger. But if the parents or parent talk the child through the process, the chances of a normal life for the child are increases by a large margin. The child is asking to be valued and wants to feel worthy of the love from both parents. Allow the child to ask questions whenever something happens that is not understood by him or her. And let the child know both parents are on his/her side.

Verbal Abuse When Do I Leave

Maybe you've never heard of verbal abuse or even experienced it. Its been in existence for as long as couples have been couples. Or families have been families. Its one of those things people don't talk about. It continues to be pushed under the covers and called something it is not.Verbal abuse is one of the most inhumane things a person can do to another person. It is as evil as sexual assault.

When All Else Fails - Pray

As a child I did not quite understand when I heard older people say, "when all else fails, pray." Now it is perfectly clear to me. I can now personally relate to the statement. People that live their lives based on the teachings of an entity such as God voluntarily surrender control of their lives to the entity. They stop trying to make life changing decisions without first praying to their God.